As the dust begins to clear from moving, I am truly starting to see what my life has become. It’s boils down to spending all day moving between Japanese and English, in an effort to better understand both. Usually, by the end of the day, I have a substantial headache and I am exhausted. In honor of the title of this blog, it’s only fair that I share both my adventures in Japan and my thoughts about them. You see, I always thought that I would “find myself” in Japan, but it’s been quite the opposite. Everyday, I feel a slightly more lost in translation than before. No pun intended.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Japan, and I love living here. This is a dream come true for me. The people are great, the food is amazing, and the experiences are life changing. That’s the problem, you see. I can feel my paradigm shifting, but it isn’t clear what it’s shifting to. I always thought I had it figured out. I would go to Japan for a year, learn Japanese, make lots of friends and memories, then return to the states. Now, I’m not sure about that plan any more. When I entered college, I was one of the few freshmen who actually knew that the major they’d chosen was the one. I stuck with that major for all four years. Pretty rare these days. My major was Visual Langage, which is basically the study of computer graphics as it applies to film and games. I’ve always dreamed of being an artist in the video game industry.
Now, I’m not so sure.
I know, I know, who wants to read a blog about a girl who isn’t amazing perky and funny. But this is real. I can pretend to be amazingly happy all the time, but I’m not a robot. I make decisions based on logic and emotion, and I have reservations about those decisions. What I’ve come to realize is that I love languages and cultures. I can think of no better way to spend the rest of my days than traveling the world, learning tons of languages and learning from the experience of others and their culture. I love learning about the world around me. Japan is great, a little too great, if you get what I mean. Now I don’t know if I actually will leave in a year.
I could, actually, go teach English in another country. A lot of the Asian countries need English speakers as teachers. What’s to say I don’t spend the rest of my days doing that? I guess what I am getting at is this: on my great journey through life, a thick fog has settled. I want to believe there is a fork in the road nearby, with a clearly definied sign outlining where each direction takes me. But you see, the fog is too thick right now, as it’s early in the day. I can barely see my own hand in front of my face. The only thing I can think to do is wait for the sun to rise and burn away the fog.
But just how thick is this fog?